It’s awfully common to hear about the most annoying female video game characters. In fact, I wrote up a top ten list just the other day. But what about the men? There are some god-awful male characters that I’ve come across in my 18 years of gaming. Some of them complain to beat the band, some like to hinder your gameplay experience by being completely obnoxious twits, and then there are some who are just outright traps. Without further ado, I give you my top ten most annoying male characters.
10. Otis, Dead Rising
Swinging baseball bats at zombies, escorting survivors, and meeting deadlines is fun until this incompetent, nagging leech decides to call you up and needlessly bore you with every single little update that happens to occur. What? There’s a tourist stuck on the second floor in the middle of a rabid zombie crowd? What? I should talk to Jessie? WHAT, BOY? TIMMY IS IN TROUBLE?! This old man is lonelier than an intellectual at a Miley Cyrus concert. If I wanted a call every few seconds so that I could cradle a device against my ear while mowing through hordes of the undead, I’d schedule some fake calls while being forced to sit through my family reunion. Someone get this man a few good friends, STAT! He’s worse than Anya.
9. Mr. Resetti, Animal Crossing
Each and every time you turn off an Animal Crossing game without saving, you get to deal with this disgruntled mole. Trying to cheat the game’s real-time system? Oh, you can do it alright, but you’ll have to sit through this guy’s 10 minute rants and empty threats. If you don’t feel like dealing with this nuisance, then it’d be in your best interest to save instead of simply shutting down to avoid any mistakes you might have made. Silly Nintendo, trying to play the goody-good card on us. You can do it in any other game. Why should you have to be penalized in a persistent-world game? He’s much more than an annoyance, he’s one reason I got burned out on the Animal Crossing games. Rather, that happened after the first couple hours. Anyway, Resetti still has to go.
8. Sagat, Street Fighter
He always TIGER! seemed to use the same UPPERCUT! moves, effectively TIGER! becoming one of the most annoying TIGER! opponents you could ever UPPERCUT! face in Street Fighter II. A nightmare even if you’re playing against one of the lovely button mashers, but an unholy vision if you happen to be matched up with a Sabat connoisseur.
7. Sora, Kingdom Hearts
When Square Enix and Disney joined forces, a fairly entertaining RPG series spawned from their union, if you could stomach the constant barrage of Disney characters being shoved down your throat. Unfortunately, an equally impressive protagonist did not. Instead, we were stuck with the childishly inane Sora. We get it. He and Kairi should be together FOR-EV-AR. Charming. He can’t understand simple concepts. And why must he be so DAMN cheery so often? I guess that’s what happens when you hang out with Donald and Goofy all of the time. Voiced by Haley Joel Osment, who has all but dropped off of the earth ever since he lost worth as a child actor, Sora (to me) is the amalgam of everything wrong with the Kingdom Hearts series. Plus, some of those expressions he makes…jeeze.
6. Silver the Hedgehog, Sonic the Hedgehog
Silver meant absolutely nothing to the Sonic universe until the atrocity Sonic the Hedgehog was created. Wait, he might as well still mean nothing. Little more than another palette swap of Sonic and Shadow with some different fur placement, he’s a hedgehog on the side of JUSTICE who just happens to command different psychic powers. Aside from being a thorn in Sonic’s side, he’s probably one of the most useless, tacked-on characters I’ve ever seen in the rapidly declining Sonic franchise. Plus, did they just run out of names or what? Silver? Oh, I get it! Because he’s silver.
5. Pokey, Earthbound/Mother
At the start of the game, he appears to be just another fat, obnoxious sidekick who feels the need to blubber and cry at the first sign of any danger. However, those who have completed the RPG classic EarthBound (Mother 2) know the dangers Pokey is really capable of. As Ness’s neighbor, he’s always around to pester our hero from thwarting Giygas in the worst ways possible. Not only that, he’s just an obnoxious brat. He should really ease up on the donuts.
4. Tingle, The Legend of Zelda
There’s something just a bit disconcerting about a grown man dancing around in a green spandex bodysuit and a pair of red hot underpants. KooLoo-Limpah! I’d rather not buy maps from this freak, actually. The man is obsessed with fairies. In fact, everything about him spells out "fanboy" to me. Not only that, but he has to be one of the most bizarre characters I’ve come across in any of the Zelda titles. Come on, even his father thinks he’s loony. Please, for the love of gaming, I can’t take much more "tingling" in my next Zelda game.
3. Your Rival, Pokemon
No matter how you progressed through the games, or which Pokemon you captured, he was always hanging around to one-up you. It’s almost as if he were programmed that way or something. Programmed to, you know, be your rival? His condescending nature and tendency to smirk and gloat when upon defeating you was always reason to superpower your Pokemon team and grind his face into the dirt with your level 50 starter near the end of the game. How obnoxious. Didn’t anyone tell him that he wasn’t the star of the game?
2. Raiden, Metal Gear Solid
Because Raiden is technically not a woman, he couldn’t be placed on my previous list. However, he does (probably) possess male reproductive organs so that places him on this list. It’s true, too. The president had to check. He did man up a bit in Guns of the Patriots, but the man did naked cartwheels. Naked cartwheels, while holding his naughty bits. Raiden has got to be one of the most pathetic characters I’ve ever had the displeasure of playing as. What’s more, his little arguments with Rose just proved how much of a girly man he really was. Yes, I was one of the Metal Gear fans who was extremely disappointed at the lack of Snake-age in Metal Gear Solid 2. Can you blame me? If you’re still not sure, just refer to his picture above.
1. Tidus and Vaan, Final Fantasy
Never before in my days of enjoying Final Fantasy have I ever come across such horrible male protagonists. Up until VII, the men were valiant (for the most part). Cecil was admirable, and one of my favorite personalities. Somehow, after FFVII was created and Cloud subtly became one of the most overrated crushes for series noobs, the main characters of each title progressively grated on the nerves until finally at Final Fantasy XIII we have a manly woman to take over. Does anyone else find that a little strange? With the exception of Zidane Tribal and Squall Leonhart (simply because he’s a lot easier to stomach than Cloud), it’s just gotten worse. So, Tidus and Vaan tie for first place. And here’s why:
Tidus
It’s true that he’s just a kid who gets whisked off on a whirlwind adventure, but those clothes. That hair. That voice. That superhuman ability to find something wrong with every single situation. Also, he hates his old man. Did he say that enough times? I don’t think he did. Maybe we need to be told a few more times. Or maybe it’s time for another absurd piece of advise that somehow ties into Blitzball. It’s hard to believe that Yuna could let herself fall for this whiny excuse for a man. Plus, his inner dialogue was more like the dribblings of fan fiction. I weep. Praise be to Yevon that we never truly have to hear of him again beyond X-2.
Vaan
More of a male model than an actual, entertaining protagonist, there was so much wrong with Vaan that I just didn’t care to push through Final Fantasy XII. Not even Balthier could fix the game as long as this wreck of a character was around. He never usually has anything useful to contribute to any situation, and his dreams of becoming a sky pirate are laughable. Everything about his personality seemed bland and generic, especially his voice acting. He shouldn’t even be considered a main character seeing as he was truly just swept along for the ride, yet Final Fantasy fangirls everywhere contend that he is VERY IMPORTANT! and a HOTTIE! as well. What’s more, they went and made Revenant Wings, as if sitting through ONE game featuring this wuss wasn’t enough. I suppose I could stomach Vaan had there not been any Basch or Balthier involved, and he was the only "important" character around. Not the case, though, so I wouldn’t mind if Vaan was all but erased from the Final Fantasy canon. Thank goodness Lightning looks awesome.
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